I’ll never forget my seminary professor’s words as long as I live. He spoke about his failures to make his family a priority during his early years of doctoral work and seminary teaching. The professor’s children were young then, and he felt he had been so wrapped up in his studies and work that he had neglected his children at a critical time in their lives. His words revealed the pain in his heart: “I was working on a Th.D. when I should have been working on a D-A-D.”
This professor had opened his heart to the class for a reason. He cautioned us who were preparing for ministry to make our families a priority. God used the vulnerability of this seminary professor, for I left class that day determined I would not be a minister who neglected his family.
Here are practical ways to be a family person even though doing ministry work. Using the acrostic F-A-M-I-L-Y, these six qualities will assist you in building a high-caliber family in your home.
Flexibility
We minister types sometimes are too rigid and inflexible. Could that be one of the reasons we often hear horror stories about MKs who rebelled against their minister-parents? The minister’s family lives in a fishbowl—everyone’s on display. Ministers feel the pressure to have our kids live up to certain role expectations, so we become rigid, demanding, inflexible, so as to make sure our kids live up to everyone’s expectations. The Bible says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” (Eph. 6:4, NIV). Squeezing our family into someone else’s mold is one way to exasperate them.
Here are some ways to allow your spouse and children to find their own identity.
*Never force kids, as they grew older, to be present for every church meeting or to be at the church house every time the doors were open. Make some church activities a given—Sunday School, worship, discipleship events. Beyond these “required” church activities give the older kids the freedom to determine which activities to attend.
*Give your spouse freedom to choose his or her own service roles in the church. In the case of pastors, churches may expect the pastor’s wife to be the WMU director and the church pianist. I say to spouses, “Let God lead you as to how you will serve Him in your church.”
*Flexibility works for your benefit, too. You don't have to attend every committee meeting, every fellowship, every church activity, or every Sunday School class party. In this way you have quality time left to spend with your family.
Availability
My 25-year-old son is married and lives in Ann Arbor. We are delighted that Greg and Michelle are close by. Greg works at a company near our church. For a couple of weeks recently Greg dropped in on me at the church office unexpectedly several times. His timing was always bad. I was extremely busy with “church work.” In a kind way I let him know he should not drop in unannounced. His response was, “It’s a shame when the pastor’s son has to make an appointment to spend time with his dad.” I realized that even when your kids are married and on their own, they do not outgrow their need for their parents to be available.
Here are some ways to be available for family.
*Deliberately block out nights on your personal planner months in advance. If you don’t plan for time at home you won’t get it.
V *If possible, eat lunch with your spouse once a week. It can be a highlight of the week, building intimacy into your marriage.
*Schedule parent-daughter or parent-son special times with children, especially if they are young. A good suggestion is dinner and/or a movie.
*Arrange your schedule so you can be present for children's school and sport events.
*When at home make sure your family gets quality time from you. This might be the biggest struggle because of exhaustion following a day of work.
Mentoring
Parenting is a scary job because most of us never received training in parenting skills. One way to overcome this deficit is to view yourself as a mentor to your children.
Do this primarily by your personal example. Model for your family what it means to be in love with Jesus. Set examples in witnessing, giving, serving, and praying that cause your kids to take notice. Also provide helpful reading materials, videos, CDs, and cassette tapes for your children.
Involvement
Do you involve your spouse and your kids in your ministry? If your kids were to stand up at show-and-tell at school to talk about what their dad or mom does for a living, could your children discuss what you do?
Yes, you are the one who was “called,” but you and your family make up the complete ministry team. Think about having morning devotional together before heading off to work. Keep a running list of prayer requests. And as you share needs from the church family involve your family in the ministry.
Love
Love makes sacrifices. Here are some ideas.
*Leave the church office early and go home and clean the house or wash the clothes or cook dinner.
*Run errands for my family with joy.
*Help with homework.
*Plan a couple of get-away times with your spouse each year.
*Schedule “date nights” regularly and try not to fail to remember special days in your lives—birthdays, anniversaries, and the like.
Yielding
Mutual submission, yielding to one another, allows us to build honor into your home. There’s really nothing quite like a home marked by honor, a home where family members feel valued, treasured, special.
A long time ago I made a decision—and my family has embraced it—that I would give up my rights, my possessions, my aspirations, and my freedoms to the Lord Jesus Christ. No minister can have a maximum marriage or be an impacting father or mother who has not made a total, irrevocable, yielding commitment to the lordship of Jesus Christ.
